Chuck vs the darkness
by sweet1one
Summary: When a friend is lost in a horrible accident, Chuck loses himself. Falling deeper and deeper into nothingness, can he be saved, or is he lost forever. AU after Chuck vs the Beard. mature subject matter, character death.
1. Death of Self

**Well, I was kinda upset with the whole Morgan finding out thing in general. So I wanted to show what I think would really happen if Morgan found out, because to be honest the guys not really equipped to handle everything. Also I think that if everyone knows the show totally loses the bit of realism it had. But i digress. This is AU and it takes place CHUCK VS THE BEARD. **

**Tell me what you think, and the context is kinda dark, sorry. **

* * *

The clock reads five am as I turn away from the blinding green hue haunting me from across the room.

I've spent the whole night awake, listening as the rain hits the window, stuck half wondering how the weather always knows when something horrible has happened, and whether or not the rain will just keep coming, so that I never have to get out of this bed and can just drift away in a watery grave.

Yesterday was the worst day of my life.

No, scratch that, the second worst day of my life.

The worst day of my life is a day that will be burned into my eyes forever. If you would have asked me a week ago what the worst day of my life was, I probably would of talked about Stanford, or the day I failed spy school, or the time I lost Sarah. But now I would give anything to just go back to those days. Now those days seem like a nice day at the beach. Because no day could be worse than the day I held my dying friend in my arms as he drew him last breath knowing that I was the one responsible.

But today, as I stood there, starring down at my reflection in the polished wood being lowed into the ground, all I could do was wish it was me. Wish that I was the one six feet under as he stood here in misery staring at my casket. It's not that I want him to be miserable, but at least then if I was the one dead he would be here.

I can't do this; I can't just sit here in bed, while he's in the ground. I just can't. I leap up from my bed and start to pace, but that's even worse. It's like the walking awakes all the demons that have been dormant all day as I drifted in a fog, felling choked by my tie, unable to breath as I attempted to say a few words to a church full of inspecting people who loved him.

I SHOULD BE THE ONE DEAD! IT'S MY FAULT IT'S MY FAULT! He never signed up for this; he never HAD to be a part of this. Why god why did I get him involved.

I'll tell you why, because I'm a selfish asshole that's why. _I_ needed to talk to someone, because _I _couldn't flash, which was a problem because _I _couldn't do _MY _job! So what do I do, I get a man killed! all so that I could be a better spy.

He never should have known, he never should have had to know. I shouldn't have been so weak. I shouldn't be putting the people I love in danger. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

And I'm haunted, not by him but by the look on his mother's face. That look she gave me, ME, of sympathy after I choked out my eulogy. I felt like a fraud, talking about him. I had no right to talk about him. And she'll never know. Never know that I killed my own best friend, that it was me.

Because in the end, it was me that killed Morgan.


	2. Machine

The cool metal feels right in my hand, the weight now natural. It feels like home, it feels…safe. This is who I am now. I am cold, metal, death. I come without warning, hidden and consoled beneath my cloak of disguises. This is the real me. It is who I was meant to be, this is truth, this is right, and this is destiny.

This mantra is my life. It has to be, because if I let the truth start to seep through my thin enterer I couldn't do the things I do. I couldn't be this man. This man I have to be. Because without him I would be nothing, just another sad failure and everything that happened would be for nothing.

Because I am the shadows, the thing you think you see in the corner of your eye that is gone when you turn. I'm not real. Because I can't be, there is no Chuck, no Carmichael. There is only the flash before the bang. The few milliseconds when they realized what happens before the air in their lungs is gone as they hit the floor. There is only the machine.

I can barely remember that man who couldn't pull the trigger. It seems like a dream, a lie. I would laugh at that weakling he was, that poor sap, so set he could save the world without getting his hands dirty. HA! What a crack! Well that man died a long time ago, both figuratively and literally, well on paper at least. It hurt at first. But I can't be bothered now. I was a killer even then, it just hid out of sight, so deep that no light ever hit it.

I'm out of cigarettes. I don't usually smoke, but there's not much to do to pass the time here.

If I try hard I can still remember the first time I has a cigarette. The way his face looked as I stood over him. The way it felt between my fingers as I laughed. The way his eyes glassed over as the light left them. The way she stared in horror, and the way I didn't care. Because it didn't matter anymore, did it. There was no happy ending for me. It was this or nothing, and the fact I got that is the only reason I'm not six feet under like the many I've put there since.

After that there was no turning back. I died the next day. Car accident, body was so bad they had to identify it by dentals. I left before Ellie could have known. Because I don't have a sister, chuck did.

After that the deal was sealed. The deed was done; apparently they counted it as something called a red test, even if it wasn't an ordered elimination. They asked me what I wanted after that. And I couldn't tell them, just no teams, no long term covers. Just in, carnages, out. They were more than happy to oblige.

I'm ranked pretty high now I think, haven't once missed a mark, but how could I, I'm a machine. It doesn't really matter to me now. All I need it that trigger, bullets, and my mark. That's what matters now.

Speaking of it's almost time.

I set the sight, pull the trigger. The sound.  
And then the best part,  
the silence. 

Then the phone buzzes


End file.
